What's Up Your Nose?

I know many of you are wondering why exactly my nose is so large.  And, no, my answer is not going to be "because I'm Jewish" because that is very stereotypical of you and that is only part of why my nose is so large.

It all started the second I was born, or should I say about to be born.  My mother does not have the best "birthing hips" I guess because as my large head was trying to pass through her pelvis, my nose was smashed flat in the process.  I guess this might explain the whole ugly baby comment my mother made upon my birth.  My nose recovered from being smashed flat as a pancake and thought it would teach my mother a lesson by becoming larger than it should.

Jump forward to when I was a toddler and I had a cold or allergies or something.  After my illness not going away my mother finally took me to the doctor.  He took one look up my nose and then asked my mother what she had done?  There was something up my nose.  The doc got some tweezers and in what seemed like a hankerchief up the sleeve trick proceeded to pull an entire latex balloon out of my nose.  My mother, of course, had no idea that I had shoved a balloon up my nose and swears she only left me alone for a minute.  Typical.  I had access to a balloon after my birthday in which my mother had thoughtfully filled the entire living room with balloons.  Bet she never does that again.  

Flash ahead again to elementary school.  I used to help my grandma in her garden.  She grew all sorts of things including beans.  We used to sit together and peel/shuck/pull out of their casing (whatever you call it) the beans together while my mother was at work.  Well I was a kid and I was tired of shucking (?) beans and decided to play with them instead.  To be specific, I decided to stick them up my nose.  Well, of course one of the beans got stuck.  I couldn't blow it out and make it fly across the room like I had done with the rest of them.  Grandma was no help because she was afraid she would just shove the bean farther up my nose.  She called my mom who rushed home and took me to a 24 emergency clinic.  Another run in with the tweezers and the bean was out and I was promising my mother that I would never shove anything in my nose again.

So, to sum it up for you, my nose is large.  It is large because I am Jewish, was squished through my mother's vagina, shoved a balloon up my nose, and shoved a bean up my nose.  Oh, the regrets of childhood.